Wow, I know it has been a while since I have posted but more then anything right now is the time for me to put my feelings down.  My life has done such a 180 from a year ago.  I was happy, thought my husband was happy, and planning within about a year to start a family.  All was well!

Well, first thing first is the medical condition.  After 3 rounds of Clomid and no ovulation, my OBGYN stated there was nothing more that she can do.  She referred us to a RE which we have our first appointment on Wed.  This was just the news that I needed to push me over that edge I was so gracefully trying to balance on.  Now, every time I turn around I am crying.  Last night I was crying on the way home because my boss, who is 7 months pregnant, was talking about her baby which all happy and excited first mothers would be doing.  It wasn’t even a jealousy thing it was more of a longing.  Longing to have what she has so much it hurts, makes your whole body hurt.  I think honestly it puts you in a state of depression because baby stuff and babies are EVERY WHERE YOU LOOK!!!!

To set the tone of this mental meltdown goes back to my marriage.  As we all know my husband has a drinking problem that he will not admit too.  Time and time I have asked him to just show me that he can stop, trying to challenge him instead of just pointing fingers because we all knowunless they think they have a problem, there’s nothing anyone else can do.  I thought that was the worse of our problems was his drinking problem that we are trying to get pass.  One day I come home early from work to surprise him because our roommate, which that is a different story all in its self, was out of town and I thought we could have some much needed alone time.  I show up to the house empty so I go in the computer room which is where he usually is, to find a myspace page he had created.  He had friends of random girls that he had met through myspace and was living this pretend life with them.  It sounds so innocent on paper, I mean what is a pretend life going to hurt anything, well it hurts.  It hurts that he would even have to do such a thing and the worse of it all, this is his second time.  The first time was when we first got married and I caught him and explained how much it hurt me but obviously that was not enough to keep him from doing it again.  Of course he blamed it on one day being drunk but he was sober then, from my knowledge, and he was on it.  So that is no FREAKIN EXCUSE!!!!!!

Then to just top it all off, I noticed 500 text messages to and from my husbands phone.  To help you understand the reason to look at this was because at this same time last time, he not only had the myspace page but was also texting these girls and receiving and sending pics if you get my drift.  Anyways, I go on line to check and not to my surprise I find he has an overwhelming text.  I don’t say anything to him but a couple of days later, after receiving flowers (flowers from our wedding day) as an apology, I send a thank you via text because I still didn’t really wanna speak to him at this point.  My text is rejected.  So I call and ask what is wrong with his phone and he tells me he doesn’t need text and he blocked it on his phone.   I didn’t know whether to be happy that he realized he is wrong on his own or sad because he doesn’t think he can control himself enough to actually have text messaging on his phone. 

 

UGHHHHH….so all of this going through my mind over and over again and then the Dr. tells me that I have to go to a fertility clinic because I haven’t ovulated yet another cycle.  Just so frustrating and heart aching.  I love my husband so much and we are still practically newlyweds, 2 years and some months, plus he is only 24 but I still can’t understand the need.  WHY DO GUYS DO WHAT THEY DO???  He has no answer, does anyone else have an answer for me?????

Well, I guess this month is just not going to be the month.  I mean I really didn’t think we were that lucky that the first month it would just happen for us BUT I did   We have still been BD because I have been told with PCOS, OPKs dont always work.  The only thing is I have not even had any signs of O, my CM has been the same watery like CM throughout it all.  I really didnt get any side effects from Clomid other then the occasional hot flashes so I am thinking it just did not do the job.  I am only on day 19 though and I have heard of some on Clomid not Oing until later like 23 and 24 so I gues I still have hope.  Just fustrating playing this waiting game.

Okay, so another obsticles has been put in the works.  One of my best friends is getting married next September and I would have hated having a pregnant girl in my wedding photos.  I mean, I was bridezilla but out of respect, I dont want that for her either.  So, we either have to get pregnant before September which, September would give me 9 months plus recovery, or what?  Would you stop TTC just because of your friends wedding or would you continue and just have her deal with it? 

 

I need some advise?  Hopefully we won’t have to worry about it but just in case….

Okay, so I said that I would not be that couple that buys ovulation test and time when we do the Baby Dance but I guess once nothing happens after a year, you have no other choice.  As everyone knows I am on my first Clomid cycle of 50 mg but I have no way to know if I have ovulated or not.  I am only on CD11 which with Clomid they say ovulation usually will not happen until day 17-20…..just in case I did start Ovulation Test Kit today because a normal cycle would have me ovulating at this time.  This has been the longest month ever.  Between waiting to start my period…then I have to wait till day 5-9 to take the Clomid.  Then we start baby dancing every other day starting on day 10 and on day 11 I was told to start the ovulation test.  Depending if Clomid works for me or not, if I get a positive O then I have to wait 2 more weeks before I know if I had implantation.  This is just RIDICULOUS.  Then the worst thing of all…if it doesnt happen this month I have to do this all over again.  If PCOS doesnt make you depressed, this diffintly will.  Just think, if I dont get pregnant or ovulate then I have to look at 8 sticks that all tell me that I am not baby worthy. 

How many have had positive outcomes from this?   Am I even capable?  I know I am only 25 years old but it still hurts that I am 25 years old and I can’t just have a child of my own.  My motherinlaw is visiting this week and I guess it is my fualt but she had no clue on the stuff we were going through.  It is weird to tell her though because for some reason I don’t feel that everyone approves of us starting a family.  I dont quite undrestadn why though because we are in our mid 20’s and we have been married 2 years now….I don’t feel that we have tried starting to early.  Especially when I was told that 30 would probably be my cut off age.  I dont want an only child…I want at least 2 children. 

Well, it is just only Monday…everyone enjoy your Monday and feel free to drop a hello…I need it

Just curious. How much is gas prices effecting eveyrone?  My husband and I just got paid today and it just seems that we are always broke.  It is really weird though because we were just fine 6 months ago, haven’t changed any spending habbits and then all the sudden we now live pay check to pay check.  I looked back on it and the amount that we pay in gas and in groceries is where are extra expenses have come.  Do you know that we pay almost $5 a gallon now for milk.  This is just ridiculous.  What I dont understand, the government gave  us the extra checks this year because of the economy but don’t they understand the reason the economy is hurting is due to everything and everybody having to raise their prices because of gas and yet no one is getting paid more. 

Just aggrevated….I would love to hear other views….comment

So, I have discovered that I am obsessed with everything BABY.  Whether it is about TTC, baby, PCOS, or medicine…I am researching and reading it.  I dont know what it is. I dont know if I am waiting on finding that magic potion or pill that will just make all this go away.  I just dont know.  I am on my 4 day on Clomid today and I watched The Baby Story on TLC for about 3 episodes today and cried on everyone.  It is hard.  I have so many concerns and emotions that no one can understand.  I dont even feel like talking to my husband or my mom about it because they just would not understand.  The thing that hurts the most is the weight.  My mom and husband always make a comment about the amount of wait I have put on.  They think that I can do waht most people do and work out and my weight will just shed away.  yeah, it will but jsut at a much slower pace.

 

I am just venting…I have been reading blogs all night of ladies that are getting ready to pie on a stick where I have not even got ovulation yet.  I should ovulate on the 22nd…which means I can pie on a stick the beginning of August.  Oh, this waiting stuff SUCKS!  Plus not to mention I have two pregnant, very pregnant, ladies that I work with I get to hear stories and watch them glow.  SUCKS…..please baby dust…be with me!

 

Author: Unknown

 The Art of Marriage

The little things are the big things.

It is never being too old to hold hands. 
It is remembering to say “I love you” at least once a day. 

It is never going to sleep angry. 
It is at no time taking the other for granted; 
the courtship should not end with the honeymoon, 
it should continue through all the years. 

It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives.
It is standing together facing the world. 
It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family. 
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude
of duty or sacrifice, 
but in the spirit of joy. 

It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating
gratitude in thoughtful ways. 
It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have wings of an
angel. 
It is not looking for perfection in each other. 

It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a
sense of humor. 
It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. 
It is giving each other an atmosphere in
which each can grow. 

It is finding room for the things of the spirit. 
It is a common search for the good and
the beautiful. 
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and
the obligation is reciprocal. 
It is not only marrying the right partner, 
it is being the right partner.

 

 

This poem really hit home with allot of the things going on in my marriage.  It really made me realize the importance of the little things and communication.  I hope this helps others as well. 

PS…I had to insert one of my wedding photos  

Well, yesterday I spent all day reading about side effects of Clomid, stories of happy results and stories of unhappy results, different advise given, and so on.  I guess I just think that I will take this magic pill and bam, all my problems will be solved.  I know that is not going to happen but is wishful thinking.  It is kinda like when one thing goes wrong everything starts to fall apart, why can’t when things go right everything start to go right.  That seems only fair. My husband says that having a child will change everything and he will stop doing what he does now once he has a child.  It is just hard for me to believe that would change someone that much when they have a habit.  I think that is what he thinks will be an easy fix but I know it is not going to be.  I think it will only make matters worse because finances are going to get worse and we will not have any time to our self.  IF and ONLY IF I was not under a time frame to have a child, we would so wait.  I dont feel that we are ready but I dont want to wait too late and then loose out on having at least ONE of my own….

Anywho, I took my first pill last night and so far no side effects that I know of.  From my understanding though the side effects usually don’t take place until day 3 or 4 of the pill.  I took the advise of several bloggers about taking the pill at night hoping I just sleep most of the side effects away. 

My husband is killing me though.  I think his drinking has grown from only once a week to in the morning when he gets up.  He doesnt have to be at work until later in the afternoon and he is home by his self.  I believe during this time he has a few drinks because he knows I want catch him.  I came home early the other day and he practically yelled at me and made me feel guilty for even coming home.  After I thought about I realized that he was just angry because I ruined his morning routine.  This weekend, I noticed when he got home from work he was being extremely mouthy.  I couldn’t understand but soon to find out after he went to his car for like the 5th time in a row, he had a 5th a barcardi in his trunk.  I mean, I have repeatedly asked you to stop. I have explained to you that it is putting a huge strain in our marriage and on top of that we are trying to have a child which means you are lessening our changes due to your sperm count.  I just dont understand….if he ever approuched me and said that something was putting a strain on our marriage….I would do anything and everything in my power to fix it.  He just acts like it is no big deal.  I just dont know what to do anymore and I dont know how to tell him any differently that he is hurting me.

LiFe….it is all you have yet it seems that you will always have another time and another way.  I am 25 years old and I feel as if I am in my 40’s.  I have not had a horrible life, no instead I have had a wonderful life growing up.  I have had my problems as many have. I have told my lies and I have been hurt by others from their lies.  When you were young, did you ever notice it seemed that you had your way with life.  You told it when you were going to do something and how you were going to do it.  Maybe it was because when you are young, the things that you do have no meaning or no matter.  Now, life tells you what you are going to do and how you are going to do it.  LIFE RULES YOU!!

I am married to what I thought was a wonderful man.  He is a wonderful man, the man that I know.  We were young and stupid when we first met and the only thing that matter to us was the late night calls.  We both still lived with our parents and we really had no direction but just to make it through the night so we can start back over and hope to have just as much fun the next day as we did the last.  That was the life.  Not having a care in the world. 

Suprising everyone we got married….but the suprise was on me.  This man, who I loved with all my heart was going to hurt me in the next few years more then I ever thought I could be.  He would get me to a point where my feelings would grow NUMB!!!  I love him and I am here for him in all the ways I can be but no matter what I do or how I try to help him…he has to want to help himself. 

 

Welcome to my blog, the blog that I plan to use as my safe haven.  Where I can let all my feelings, fustrations, tears, and anger go without having to worry about if it will make him take the next drink or not…